Sophie Rockwell

For 15 years I have carried with me a failure that has contributed to nearly half a lifetime of self-doubt and disappointment. I think about this moment in my life all the time and while I have done some healing, I still carry it with me wherever I go. This is a moment I would like to forget about completely, which I know is not going to happen. So, instead I am writing it out as a way to try and finish my self-healing and fully move on.

I admit I was shocked when an acquaintance asked me to make her wedding dress. I don’t even remember talking to her about my dream of being a bridal gown designer or showing her my sketches in the brief summer class that we had together. Before we met in class, we knew of each other through my high school boyfriend, but we had never met in person. There were weird jealousy vibes we had to clear up, but once we got past that we became friendly.

A few years later while living in Chicago and finishing my apparel design degree I received a Facebook message from her asking me to make her wedding dress. I was so filled with hope and dreams that I was blind to the fact that I was ill-equipped to make a wedding dress. I lived in a studio apartment, had a cheap sewing machine, and really did not have the skills yet to make such an important dress. I remember being a little confused about her insistence that I make her wedding dress, but she was so confident in her decision that I accepted request.

She drove to Chicago a couple times to get measurements taken and go to the fabric store together to pick out the fabric, which for whatever reason I insisted that we had to get silk fabric and that I would not use polyester. I regret having that arrogance, but the bridal store I worked for at the time had me convinced that it was trash if it wasn’t silk. (Hindsight: I could have saved a lot of money if I had used polyester.) Then out of nowhere the bride tells me she is moving to Texas. Her fiancé had just gotten a job offer there and she was moving to be with him. This is when I should have backed out, but I worried I would upset her if I did. Being so inexperienced, I needed close contact throughout this process to get it right. I was doing a new draping technique I hadn’t attempted before and I didn’t have a dress form the proper size to work with.

On my drive home I received a call. It was the bride and her fiancé calling to let me know the dress was not going to work. Her mother had taken it to a couple seamstresses who said that it was beyond fixing. Now, I don’t think it was the best dress ever made but I don’t think it was unwearable. Maybe not wanting to wear it for your wedding day is justified, but to say that it is unwearable was wrong. There was no arguing with them, though. I tried to explain how difficult it was being so far away and they thought there were plenty of meetings for me to get it right. To hear her fiancé say they were disappointed and to hear the frustration and worry in his voice was so upsetting. I really did not think I had failed this badly. I thought I had pulled it off. All I could do was apologize. I was crying so hard my vision was completely obstructed and I had to pull the car over on the side of the highway. Then I received an email from her mother saying that she was going to stop the check that she had just written to me that would pay for the remaining cost of the fabric, which was over $400. At this point I wasn’t even going to profit off of making the dress. This was money just to cover the remaining cost of materials, so to not get that money was crippling to me financially.

For weeks I was sick to my stomach with regret and anxiety. I was still working at a bridal shop where I managed the gown arrival and alterations process. Day after day, I would see brides trying on their wedding dresses, happy and stress free and it was a constant reminder of how I had let her down. A wedding dress is such an important part of a wedding day and knowing that I caused her so much stress in the week before her wedding made me disappointed in myself. I wish I would have been in a position to help her acquire a new dress, but I wasn’t so I stopped communicating with her and she stopped communicating with me as well. We didn’t have the type of friendship where we would chat frequently, so it wasn’t like losing a close friend by any means. This dress making process was the most I had talked to her, ever.

So, I ask myself, if this wasn’t someone I had a close relationship with, then why does it affect me so much and why is it so hard to move forward? I hate the fact that I don’t sew any more. This mistake I made took the enjoyment out of it for me. If I make a mistake it sends me into a mental spiral that I’m not good enough and I’m going to fail and why try if you’re going to fail right? That’s what I have been telling myself for 15 years. Which is so crazy to think about, because I would never let my children say that about themselves. I teach them that it’s okay to make mistakes and how to figure out a way to fix it and make it right. Most importantly, I teach them that they’re still loved even though they made a mistake.

I also need to remind myself that I don’t need to worry about making a mistake like that again for a couple good reasons. I understand now how to set boundaries and how to say no even if it means the other person will be upset or disappointed with me. I wish I would have had the confidence to say no to making the dress. I knew I wasn’t experienced enough and didn’t have the resources, but I said yes anyways because I let her talk me into it. I would never let that happen today.

I think to really move on from this self-confidence destroying mistake I need to put myself out there again and try something new even if I think I could fail. And if I do fail, I know it will be okay. I know I will still love myself and be loved by others. I will have the courage to learn from my mistakes and try again.

It’s okay to fail. I am not a failure.